Flabbergasting Edward
by Belts
Summary: Edward has a highly embarrassing secret. Charlie discovers it. Also, Edward and Bella shave off Jacob's fur, whilst he is sleeping in wolf form.
1. Chapter 1

Flabbergasting Edward

Flabbergasting Edward

Chapter One

Bella's stomach lurched at the speed with which Edward was driving. She thought it completely unnecessary to be moving this fast when they were speeding towards their own doom. Edward stared out through the windshield, completely at ease; he had a smile on his face, that beautiful crooked smile which Bella adored.

This time, however, she did not smile back. She glared at him. She opened her mouth to say something, changed her mind and turned her head to stare out the window. She knew that, in his own way, Edward was mocking her, which meant he knew something valuable that she didn't.

Bella crossed her arms over her chest to make it obvious that she wasn't impressed.

"Hmph!" Bella let out a strange noise.

Edward moved his head slightly to look at her. "Okay, okay, I get the hint," he said. "What is bothering you?"

"Why are you not … why aren't you going to …"

Edward's smile vanished. "Bella, what's wrong?"

Bella's face had drained of colour, but then, just as suddenly, she blushed.

"Edward, why aren't you … scared?"

Edward turned back to face the windshield, biting his lip, and then let out a roar of laughter. He wiped the tears that could have been streaming down his face.

"Bella, honey, we're just going to your place like we always do, I don't exactly see the problem."

"EDWARD!" Bella screeched, her voice raising in anger. "We're about to tell my father we're getting – getting _married_! He's going to KILL you!"

Edward doubled over the steering wheel in laughter. Bella scowled.

"If you don't watch where you're going, you will kill me!"

"Bella, sweetie pie, it is quite difficult for Charlie to kill a vampire."

"That is not the point!"

Edward suppressed a giggle. Bella gave up and glared, glared so hard and long, that her eyes started to water. Edward avoided looking at her, as it made him laugh ever time he saw the expression etched on Bella's face. He smiled wider than ever; obviously he was sharing and inside joke with himself.

As the shiny silver Volvo pulled up, Charlie was peaking out the window. This wasn't right, he thought, as he noticed Bella's good-for-nothing boyfriend accompanying her. This was NOT Edward's designated time!

"EDWARD CULLEN!" Charlie screamed, so loudly he thought that his throat might tear. "WHAT THE PUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? And get your hands off my daughter," he added as an afterthought.

"Charlie, Charlie," chuckled Edward, removing his hands from their compromising position. "Dear old Charlie. We're here to tell you some important news."

Charlie scowled. "Come on in, then," he said resentfully, yet he couldn't help feeling slightly excited at the prospect of important news. Not much went on in the town of Forks.

As they walked towards the house, Bella took Edward's hand and squeezed it so tightly that if Edward wasn't already dead, he would be. Charlie stood in the lounge room, arms folded. An awkward silence followed and Edward started to whistle.

"So, uh, why don't you take a seat, Charlie, sweetie?" Edward asked.

Charlie scowled again, but sat down on the couch. Edward smiled. Bella looked at him and her thoughts screamed _WHAT THE HULL_? Edward was acting stranger than usual today. Bella looked into Edward's eyes, and her eyes widened, as if willing him to go on.

Edward took a breath and spoke at last.

"I love your hair, Charlie," he blurted out, then, in an attempt to cover himself, he winked.

Charlie looked flabbergasted and Bella stomped her foot in fury.

"Edward," she whined. "Tell him, now!"

Edward examined his nails and sighed. He looked at Charlie.

"Bella and I are getting married," he stated.

Charlie looked from Bella to Edward to Bella to Edward again. He took a deep breath … a vein was pulsing in his temple.

"Father, I do not want you to be angry …" Bella started hesitantly.

But then Charlie fell to the ground, convulsing wildly. Froth started escaping from his lips and he made a strange gargling noise.

"Charlie, babe!" screeched Edward, running over to take his pulse. Edward's face went paler, then he looked up at Bella and took a breath.

"He's in cardiac arrest. Your father is having a heart attack, sweetheart." Edward looked horrified.

Charlie's body suddenly went very still.

"NO!" Bella screamed, tears streaming down her face.

"Bella, my lovkins, call nine-one-one NOW!"

Bella fell down to her knees.

"Now, Bella!" Edward screamed.

Edward was sitting on the floor, cradling Charlie. He then sighed as he saw that Bella couldn't move, and knew that the only way for Charlie to survive was if Edward carried him and ran, ran faster than the wind.

Leaving Bella sobbing on the floor, Edward flashed out of the house and the wind whipped at his face.

"CHARLIE, darling, WAKE THE PUCK UP!" he screamed as he ran.

Dry sobs filled the air as Edward heard Charlie's heart beat became slower and fainter.

After what seemed like hours of agonized sprinting, Edward found himself at the hospital. He kicked down the door and burst in, holding Charlie's limp body in his arms.

"I NEED A DOCTOR! SOMEBODY GET SOME HELP!" Edward sobbed.

About thirty doctors and nurses rushed to the scene of Edward's heartbreaking cries of anguish.

"Wait a second," exclaimed a doctor. "This is Charlie Swan!"

Carlisle pushed himself to the front.

"Ruuuuuun, Edward, ruuuuuun!" Carlisle yelled.

Edward ran to the emergency room, Carlisle right behind him.

"I need defibrillators, stat!" Carlisle yelled to any nurse that would listen.

"But sir, you don't even know what is wrong with him!" a silly blonde nurse exclaimed.

"NOW!"

Carlisle knew exactly what had happened. He applied the defibrillators.

"Clear!"

Charlie's body jolted.

Nothing.

"Clear!"

Charlie's body lurched forward.

Nothing.

"Clear!"

_Beep, beep, beep …_

Edward breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh Carlisle, thank you so much, Daddy," Edward sighed, throwing his arms around his surrogate father. Edward felt as though he never, ever wanted to let go. Secretly, Carlisle felt the same way. But he would never admit it.

Finally, Edward let go and rubbed his tired eyes.

"I'd better go find Bella," sighed Edward, for the third time in a row.

Carlisle nodded solemnly. "You tell her that everything's going to be okay," he whispered, grasping his dear son's shoulders and smiling reassuredly.

So Edward ran.

"Ruuuuuun, Edward, ruuuuuun!" Carlisle screamed again.

As he burst through the door, Edward called for Bella.

"I'm here, Eddie!" Bella cooed.

Edward stared in disbelief as he saw Bella sitting casually on the couch, channel surfing.

"Bella, sugar honey, what are you doing?"

"Huh?" Bella looked confused.

"Uh, Charlie, with the almost dying and the running to the hospital?"

"Oh, yes, is he dead, then?"

"Bella, my fuck buddy, I'm taking you there, stat!" Edward scooped Bella up in his muscular arms and they ran off into the sunset.

Edward sparkled.

As he ran, Edward sang his very favourite song to Bella.

"_I believe in miracles! Since you came along! You sexy thing!"_

"Oh, Edward, your voice is really nice. And sexy," Bella added, hardly able to contain herself.

"Now, now, Bella dear, calm down," chuckled Edward. "Bella, Bella, Bella. My beautiful little parasite. Your father is dying. But Carlisle told me to tell you that everything is going to be okay."

"Oh, that makes me feel so happy … inside," sang Bella. Edward joined in.

"_It's such a feeling that my love … I can't hide … I can't hide … I CAN'T HIDE!"_

Bella and Edward giggled as they finished the high note. Edward lowered Bella to the ground and turned around, looking into her eyes solemnly and earnestly. He sang to her gently, his eyes wide with love.

"_Yeah you, you've got that something … I think you'll understand. When I feel that something, I want to hold your hand!"_

Bella smiled, taking Edward's cold, smooth hand in hers, and whispered gently into his ear.

"_I want to hold your hand."_

"Oh, Bella, you make my heart sing," Edward chortled.

"No," Bella whispered seductively. "You make _my_ heart sing."

Bella faced him, now holding both his hands. Looking into his eyes, she started to sing.

_I love your eyes_

_and I love your smile_

Edward smiled.

_I love your hair when it shines_

Bella ran her fingers through his shiny bronze hair.

_But I can't get enough of your –_

Edward pulled Bella forward into a tight embrace.

_Edward, oh Edward, Edward, oh Edward, Edward, oh Edward_

_I can't get enough of your name_

Bella winked at him. Edward pulled her even closer, and they kissed, passionately and vigorously.

Whilst they were kissing, Bella continued singing into his mouth, but all that could be heard was strangled murmuring. However, Edward understood every word.

_Your marble skin_

_Your topaz eyes_

_When I'm in your arms_

_It makes my heart go …_

Bella's phone rang. She answered it.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Hello," came the creepy reply. "I'm from a band called *****. Maybe you've heard of us. Maybe you haven't. The point is, Bella, that the song you just sang was written by us. You can listen to said song by logging on to my MySpace page. It can be located on Belt's profile page, actually. Or, alternatively, you could just search '*****' in MySpace Music."

"Who the fuck are you and what the fuck do you want with me?" Bella demanded. "You're just some son of a bitch telemarketer trying to sell me your shitty products. Well listen here, motherfucker – I will NOT be going to your shithouse MySpace and listening to your shithouse song, despite the fact that I found it quite lovely. So quit advertising your crap songs through me!"

Bella hung up on the telemarketer, and with that, she continued on her way to the hospital.


	2. Chapter 2

Carlisle sat by the hospital bed grieving … grieving for Bella, for Charlie. Carlisle, the expert doctor, knew something that Bella and Edward did not know yet, nothing would be alright from here on in.

Carlisle buried his head in his hands in despair. He realised that he had loved Charlie in a way that he had never thought of. Carlisle loved Charlie like a good friend. He raised his head, opened his mouth, and wailed.

"Charlie, oh Charlie, sweets, wake up!"

Charlie didn't stir.

A single tear leaked out of Carlisle's beautiful golden eye.

Just then, the double doors of the hospital burst open. Edward and Bella came in, looking dishevelled.

"Where is he?" demanded Bella.

Carlisle pointed towards the hospital bed, where Charlie lay sleeping like an angel.

"Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty," said Edward to Charlie.

Edward put his hand to Charlie's forehead.

"He's burning up," Edward said, in a worried tone. Edward leaned over Charlie's body.

Suddenly, the once steady beeping noise of Charlie's heart monitor sped up.

Confused, Edward straightened up. Charlie's heartbeat went back to normal.

Edward leaned over Charlie again. Charlie's heart, once again, went psycho.

Carlisle began to cry.

"He's not to wake, my dear Edward, my beautiful Bella," Carlisle said, jumping to his feet, still sobbing loudly. He pulled Bella towards him and gave her a bone-crunching hug.

"I'm so sorry!" Carlisle wailed in her ear.

Bella choked out words that sounded like, "It's not your fault."

Edward took Bella into his ghostly white arms and cradled her. For a long while the small hospital room was filled with the sound of three people sobbing loudly.

Once again, the double doors opened and tall, dark Jacob strode in. His worried eyes flickered from the threesome, to Charlie's bed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO –" he took a breath. "OOOOOOOOOO!"

His angry eyes rested upon Edward's stunned face. He began to quiver.

"Jacob, no!" Bella shouted. "No! It wasn't him. Stop, you motherfucking motherfucker!"

Jacob turned towards Bella and walked heavily in her direction, but before he could reach her, he changed into that hideous werewolf that Edward so despised.

Edward knew that Jacob had lost control and flung himself in front of Bella. Jacob opened his mouth, his teeth glistening, and …

"Ouchies, Jacob! You're a meanie!" Edward cried.

Jacob let out a low, husky, wolfy chuckle.

"Not fair," Edward folded his arms across his chest. "You did that on purpose."

Edward pulled Bella closer to his muscular body and sulked.

Jacob seemed pleased and rested his body on the cold, smooth hospital floor. His eyes and ears drooped and he was soon fast asleep.

Bella recovered from the shock of Jacob phasing and remembered that Charlie was dead.

She clung to her only love, her true love, the one she loved more than any other, her strong, beautiful Edward.

Edward placed a hand over Charlie's heart.

All of a sudden, it started beating again.

"Well, this is an interesting turn of events," muttered Carlisle, pulling out his stethoscope.

Edward was frozen in place, his eyes shocked. Bella's jaw had dropped.

Carlisle continued making medical observations around Charlie. Finally, he took his stethoscope out of his ears.

"Look kids, I'm going to move Charlie into Ward Three. I'll leave you two to look after Jacob."

Charlie and Carlisle exited the room, Carlisle pushing Charlie's wheelie hospital bed. As soon as they were gone, Bella and Edward looked at each other and grinned.

Edward rummaged around in his trusty pocket and produced a razor.

Bella put her hands over her mouth, trying to stifle her laughter.

"I feel like I'm in a production of Sweeney Todd," Edward laughed, proud at himself for making a pop culture reference that wasn't from one hundred years ago.

Edward once again rummaged around in his pockets and produced some men's shaving cream. He kneeled down beside Jacob and grinned, Bella joining him. Edward shook the can and sprayed some cream along the shaggy wolf. He raised the razor and began to shave the werewolf's fur.

As he shaved, he sang:

_There's a hole in the world like a great black pit_

_And it's filled with people who are filled with shit_

_And the vermin of the world inhabit it_

_There's no place like Forks!_

"Interesting," Bella replied, nodding.

"I thought so," Edward laughed as he continued to work.

Soon, wolf fur littered the floor and a completely naked Jacob lay still fast asleep.

The sight of the bare wolf disgusted Bella, and it literally burned her eyes.

"My eyes, they burn!" she yelled, quickly tearing her eyes off the hideous creature. She then turned to stare at Edward's beautiful face, as if she was trying to forget the image etched into her mind. Edward stared at the fur covering the floor and looked thoughtful.

"What is it?" Bella inquired.

Edward's crooked grin appeared and he stood up. Without a sound, Edward seemed to blur on the spot.

"What the h-?" Bella started, but Edward cut her off.

"There!" he exclaimed, proudly. He was holding up the fur, but it was now …

"A coat?" Bella blinked, and then emotion filled her voice. "Oh, Edward! It's beautiful!"

"Isn't it?" he sighed.

"But wherever shall I wear it?"

Edward pulled Bella to his muscular body and took his hand in hers, his arm wrapped around her waist and the two bodies began to dance, a waltz in fact.

"Perhaps I shall take you ice-skating," Edward mused.

"Oh, how wonderful!" Bella smiled. She noticed she was falling into the dance steps even though she had no idea what the dance was.

"What dance is this?" she asked.

"Neville's Wooltz, it's a magnificent dance," Edward sighed and leaned his head on hers. Bella leaned against his chest, noting how odd it was that she heard his heart beat.

"Hmm," Edward murmured after a time. "We should see how Charlie's going."

"Oh, that old fogey," Bella rolled her eyes, but then stared into Edward's intense face and whispered, "Oh, alright then."

Just then, Jacob started to stir from his deep slumber.

Bella and Edward quickly left the room, as they laughed at the hideous sight of the naked wolf.

As they reached Ward Three, Edward took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

"How is he?"

Edward didn't need to ask, he could hear … nothing.

"Dead," Carlisle whispered, gulping back tears.

"Oh Charlie, love, no," Edward murmured and took his hand in Charlie's and stroked it. "May you rest in everlasting peace."

Edward had barely gotten the words out when a thudding filled his ears.

"He's alive!" Edward cried in surprise and stumbled back.

Bella, who had been clutching on to Edward's shirt, yelled as she was thrown back.

"Impossible," Carlisle whispered.

Edward cautiously moved forward and put his ear to Charlie's chest.

Charlie's heart was pounding so fast and loud that it hurt Edward's ears.

"He's definitely alive, Carlisle," Edward said, keeping his ear to Charlie's chest, but turning his head slightly to peer at Carlisle.

Charlie's eyes began to flicker open.

"Charlie?" Edward spoke into his ear.

"Edward?" Charlie replied.

"Yes, yes, it's me, love."

"Edward?" he repeated, his voice now filled with excitement.

"Yes," Edward replied. His face was close to Charlie's, trying to figure out whether he was going to be okay.

Their faces were now only an inch apart. A slight blush appeared over Charlie's face, and he was breathing heavily. Edward licked his lips subconsciously.

Slowly, tentatively, Charlie raised his lips to Edward's, pausing just before they touched, as though to check if Edward was okay with it.

Edward's lips parted ever so slightly, so without further hesitation, Charlie dove right in, crashing his lips against Edward's as they met in a passionate embrace.

Edward responded with little to no enthusiasm. Charlie, however, was fully into it. He's somehow managed to pull Edward into the hospital bed with him and was now attempting to unbutton his shirt.

Bella and Carlisle were not moving. They were not even breathing. They were both standing, watching the scene unfold, with identical expressions of unmasked horror on their already pale faces.

But at some point, Charlie had to stop for breath. Panting, he wrenched his mouth away from Edward's stone-cold lips and sighed contentedly.

"Wow … that was amazing," Charlie breathed.

Edward curled into the foetal position. "I've been violated," he whispered, tears pouring out of his wondrous golden eyes.

Bella and Carlisle were still frozen.

Charlie started to giggle at Edward. "Edward, you look so cute when you're in the foetal position!"

Carlisle finally seemed to be able to speak.

"I am highly disturbed, Charlie sweets, you just violated my Edward!"

"I'm sorry," Charlie blushed, not looking sorry at all. "But I must thank my saviour somehow!"

Charlie winked at Edward.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO –" Edward took a breath. "OOOOOOOOOO!"

"What the dog?" Jacob had entered the scene.

As soon as Bella saw him her eyes burned. She screamed and rolled violently around on the floor. Jacob wasn't even the wolf.

"What?" Jacob asked, confused. Carlisle was staring at Jacob's head, he was completely bald.

Jacob put his hand to his head and ran around like a chicken.

Carlisle spoke in his calm, soothing voice that lingered. "Please all, just calm yourselves! Charlie, I would never have picked you to be gay, seeing as you have a daughter and all."

"Well," Charlie flushed. "I'd always loved women, but then you Cullens came to town and I set eyes on Edward." Charlie paused in thought.

"I remember the first time I saw Edward, my heart pounded loudly in my chest and my whole body tingled with love and passion," Charlie said, paused once again as Bella made a gagging noise.

"I think I'm going to throw up," she whispered, her face deathly white.

"Oh, you think YOU'RE going to throw up? He kissed ME!" Edward wailed, still in the foetal position.

"Anyway," Charlie pressed on. "I was jealous of Bella, but I always put my happy face on, every time he came around. I treated him like a son. But then he left. He left Bella broken-hearted, and me even more so."

"Oh, just shut up you old man," Bella rolled her eyes. "You make me sick."

"So when he came back, I pretended I hated him, but I love you Edward, I love you!"

"Ew," Edward whispered, rocking back and forth.

"I know what you mean." It was Jacob's turn to speak, and his voice was breaking.

"Not this again," Bella sighed as Edward simultaneously said, "Oh, Gods."

"I never told anyone else," Jacob murmured. "Only Edward and Bella know."

He eyed them nervously. "I love Edward, too."

"Why does everyone have to LOVE ME?"

"Because you're just so beautiful!" Charlie, Jacob, Bella and even Carlisle cried together.

"Please, God, make me ugly!" Edward called to the heavens.

"Testify!" Bella threw her hands out and shook them.

The room went silent as everyone stared at her. Bella lowered her hands and hung her head in shame. "Sorry, got carried away."

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Edward asked Charlie and Jacob.

Their eyes started to fill with tears.

"I love no one but Bella," Edward stated. "So please stop, you have no chance with me EVER!"

"I think I'm having another heart attack," Charlie said, tears streaming down his face.

"No, Charlie, no," Jacob said striding briskly to Charlie's side and took his hand. "It's just your heart breaking."

"Oh, Jacob!" Charlie flung his arms around him.

"Oh, Charlie!" Jacob returned the hug and they both started to sob into each other's arms.

"You know what, Charlie boy?" Jacob said, staring angrily around the room. "We don't have to put up with these bloodsuckers!"

"Bloodsuckers?"

Jacob ignored him, and lifted Charlie into his arms. Charlie's legs dangled.

"You guys are so mean. It's all good when Bella loves Edward, but when we do," Jacob wiggled his finger and put on his sarcastic voice. "_Oh, no, it's sooo wrong_!"

Jacob strode towards the door and Charlie peeked around to poke out his tongue. Jacob paused before he opened the doors and turned around. He raised his hand and said, "Goodbye foreverrr!"

With that, Jacob and Charlie were gone into the sunset.

Das Ende

**A/N: Listen up, fuckers. Yes, it's out of character. That's how it's meant to be. Don't comment on it.**

**Also … the song that Bella and Edward dance to, "Neville's Wooltz", is an actual song … written by me. Belts.**

**You can listen to it on my MySpace. The URL is on my profile page. Go there. It might not be up yet, but it will be soon.**

**Ciao, dogs.**


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